


no more faking, so we push all our fears away

by Irratia



Series: shining bright - the idiot adventures [6]
Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Coming Out, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Kissing & Cuddling, Light Angst, M/M, Swearing, Willie is Asexual (Julie and the Phantoms), Willie-centric (Julie and The Phantoms), i am once again projecting onto fictional characters, is this angst??? i think so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:53:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28177935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irratia/pseuds/Irratia
Summary: Willie is 18 when he comes to terms with the fact that he is asexual.And that’s okay, actually. It makes sense, and he, himself is just glad to finally have an explanation for why he is the way he is. But he isn’t proud of it, like he is with his pansexuality. Or, well, being panromantic, now.He’s scared shitless.ORWillie's journey to coming to terms with his asexuality and coming out.(part of a series but can be read as a standalone)
Relationships: Alex Mercer/Willie (Julie and The Phantoms)
Series: shining bright - the idiot adventures [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1989781
Comments: 62
Kudos: 216





	no more faking, so we push all our fears away

**Author's Note:**

> hello y'all!  
> i'm back on my bullshit and it's my most personal work yet, hurray! i'd like to preface this fic by saying I'm qualified to talk about this because I'm asexual, and basing all of willie's feelings and experiences on myself. also, i'm writing him as sex-repulsed, so he is by no means the standard and everyone experiences asexuality differently.  
> but yeah, i cried a lot writing this, it's full of me projecting my fears and feelings onto willie and making alex the kind of person i a) think he is and b) i'd like to come out to in a relationship  
> it's very soft and indulgent, and i really, really hope you like it!!!  
> (exclusionists don't fucking interact)

Willie is 12 years old when he realizes he’s not straight.  
He’s grown up with a gay father, who’s had a few boyfriends, some of whom were nice to him, some weren’t. Willie doesn’t even know homophobia is a thing until he goes to school and one of the other kids makes fun of him for having a gay dad.  
But he’s 12 years old and there’s a pretty boy with blond hair and a nice smile in his class, and Willie listens to the guys he hangs out with talk about girls and thinks that yeah, he kinda feels like that but he also feels like that with boys. When he comes home to his father that day, he talks about it. They figure out that Willie probably isn’t gay, but likes boys and girls and his dad tells him that it’s okay even if he realizes that he only likes boys or girls at some point.

Willie is 14 years old when he gets into first relationship.  
Her name Ava and she has long hair and skin darker than him and she’s smart and funny and she likes him back. They’re together for three months, until they break up again because she’s going to summer camp and he isn’t. He listens to the guys at his favourite skatepark talk about their relationships and whipser about sex, and thinks nothing of the fact that he hasn’t got any desire to have sex himself, because he's young and still has time.

Willie is 15 years old when he feels sick because one of the guys he skates with talks about sex with him.  
He’s in a new relationship, and Sydney is kind and sweet, and very pretty, but that’s it. He likes her, a lot, probably more than Ava, but when the guy talks about his own girlfriend Willie feels uncomfortable and can’t stop shifting around. He ignores it, because he’s still so young, it’s probably normal he feels uncomfortable when it comes to sex because that’s not really something Caleb talks about with him, and desire will come when he’s older. Sydney and him break it off, because she thinks he isn’t interested in her, and they’re still friends, somewhat, but it’s weird now.  
Willie is sad until he watches a blond boy with green, or are they blue? eyes across the classroom, who fiddles with his fanny pack and laughs with his friends, and from then on he is single.

Willie is 16 years old, and has comfortably settled on his identity as pansexual.  
He follows a few pride and activism pages on Instagram, and that’s where he first learns of the term ‘asexuality’. But that’s not for him, because he still wants relationships, and he’s sure that he’ll have sex with the right person, even if the thought makes him feel almost physically sick at times, and he can’t look at the TV when there’s a sex scene on screen, and he doesn’t understand a word of what his friends at the skatepark are saying when they talk about how ‘hot’ someone is, because yeah, people are attractive but that’s it?  
No, Willie is pansexual, and when he gets into his next relationship he’s going to have sex, because that’s what normal people do and he’s just not gotten it yet. And honestly? When the topic isn’t brought up, Willie doesn’t think about it. As natural as thinking and talking about sex is for other people, as natural it is for Willie not to. It’s not relevant to him, and his life, and why think about something that always makes him a bit uncomfortable even if he can’t put his finger on why.

Willie is 18 years old when he finally talks to the pretty boy with the golden hair and fascinating eyes outside of class.  
He’s 18 when he’s kissed by that boy, and kisses back, and when he falls in love.  
And things are well. He meets Alex’s friends and they become his friends, meets the Molinas and is accepted into their circle.  
He learns a lot, makes it his duty to study Alex. He learns what makes him tick, what specific movement, look, stance means he’s getting anxious. Learns when it’s enough to just take his hand, or touch him to keep him grounded, and when Alex needs to be distanced from a situation. He learns how to take care of someone having a panic attack.  
Willie opens up his heart to Alex, and his friends. He invites Alex into his house, when things with his parents go bad, and learns what it’s like to wake up next to someone you love, and what it’s like to have three teenage boys in his house, when all of their homelives get bad, and they don't want to burden the Molinas.  
He doesn’t mind having them over, they make the mansion a lot less empty in the absence of his father.

In short, things are good. Great. He loves Alex, a lot.

And still.

There are moments when it’s just the two of them, in bed or on the couch, or in the kitchen, when they kiss, and they keep kissing and it gets more intense, their kisses deepen, and their mouths open, and their breathing gets irregular.  
Willie likes kissing.  
He especially likes kissing Alex, and having his hands in the blond hair, or his arms around Alex’s neck, likes the feeling of Alex’s hands on the back of his neck, or his face, in his own hair.

And still.

Sometimes, when they get into it, really make out, Alex’s hands will wander, lower, creep under Willie’s shirt and inch to the waistband of his pants, and Willie has to fight himself not to recoil whenever it happens.  
He finds ways, however, to step back, or bring Alex’s hand back up to his face. Alex doesn’t seem to notice.

Until one day he does.  
They’re supposed to be cooking dinner, because Alex is staying over again, and since he’s doing that at Willie’s place a lot more lately Rose has tasked them with making proper dinner for themselves and to send her a photo, or they’ll have to sleep there.  
Things get a bit out of hand though, because Willie hopped up on the counter to read through the recipe while Alex cuts up the vegetables, and then Alex turns around and steps into space between Willie’s legs and they start kissing, and, well.  
Alex’s hands start linked around the back of his neck, but gradually wander further down.

Willie thinks he’s fine, until, and he doesn’t think Alex is even aware of it, the other boy pushes his fingers into Willie’s waistband.  
Willie recoils.  
Actually recoils, pulling back and sliding a few inches back on the counter immediately.  
Something that feels suspiciously like bile rises up in his throat.

Alex looks surprised. “Are you okay?” 

Willie clears his throat, pulls his arms in on himself, his thumb finding the scarred spot on his arm without him realizing.

“Yeah, sure. I just remembered we need to send Rose a picture of our food until seven, or she’ll never let you stay over again,” he says, trying to make it seem like everything’s normal, because everything is normal, goddamnit. He just needs to calm down.

“Okay, if you’re sure,” Alex says, slowly.

Willie nods, and gives him his best smile, and turns back to the recipe. They proceed as normal, Willie forces himself to, but he notices that Alex is a bit more careful around him now.  
They still have physical contact, both of them too touchstarved not to cuddle on the couch, or when they go to sleep, but Willie feels weird.  
Like there’s suddenly this disconnect between him and Alex that wasn’t there before.  
He doesn’t claim to know everything about Alex, or understand him completely. But he gets where he’s coming from, most of the time.

This?  
This is different.  
This feels like something he’ll neve be able to understand.

He stares at the dark ceiling in his room for what feel like hours, until Alex’s rhythmic, slow breathing finally lulls him into sleep.

Alex leaves for Julie’s house the next morning, they’re planning a day-long session to write and jam together.  
Willie is technically invited, but he needs time and space to think. Only that he ends up staring at the empty backyard for an hour which doesn’t help.  
And screaming in his living room doesn’t do anything except make his throat feel raw.  
He tries to go out skating, but that doesn’t stop his thoughts from spiralling around the same thing either.  
Fuck.

He considers talking to some of his friends, but what’s he going to say? ‘ _I feel physically sick when I think about having sex? Alex didn’t even do anything and I flinched away?’_  
Yeah, no.  
(He knows that they would be there for him, but he also doesn’t even know what to say, how to deal with this, whatever crisis it is he’s having.)

It’s the afternoon when he finally plucks up the courage to sit down with his laptop, and starts googling.  
He takes some self tests, and reads, a lot, about asexuality.

Willie is 18 when he comes to terms with the fact that he is asexual.  
And that’s okay, actually. It makes sense, and he, himself is just glad to finally have an explanation for why he is the way he is.  
But he isn’t proud of it, like he is with his pansexuality. Or of being panromantic, now.  
He’s scared shitless.

Willie sits alone, in his too big house, and he tries his best not to panic.  
Takes deep breaths, and tries to distract himself, but it doesn’t work, because his mind keeps coming back, again and again to the same thing.  
He is asexual. Alex, very probably isn’t.  
And Willie is terrified of what that means for their relationship.

With him spending a good few hours looking through articles and blog posts and sites on asexuality, he had to find people talking about how asexuality impacts relationships.  
And it’s not like Willie is not aware of how society values sexuality.  
He’s had to listen to too many conversations from strangers in public discussing how the lack of sex, or how bad it is, is ruining their relationship.  
In most movies or tv shows couples have sex, explicitely or not, when they’re in a relationship, often to establish it as one.  
Sexual stuff is everywhere.

And that’s okay in a way, because yeah, it makes him uncomfortable, but it’s not like he can expect everyone to accommodate him.  
And it’s okay, too, that so many people like sex, it’s great for them, really.  
He’s aware and okay with it, and he’s okay with himself too, he just doesn’t like the consequences of this.  
It feels a bit as if his chest is restricting, when he thinks too long.

Because with him being asexual, and Alex not, that probably means their relationship is over.  
He can’t even blame anyone for this. Not Alex, not himself.  
That doesn’t mean it doesn’t absolutely terrify him, to think of what’s to come.  
He has to tell Alex, it would be unfair not to. And he has to face the very real possibility that Alex is going to break up with him then.

It’s horrible, when he realizes that that might actually happen. It feels like what he imagines getting hit by a train feels like.  
It’s painful, and horrible, and scary and Willie loses his breath and buries his head in his hands and tries so hard, so, so hard not to cry.  
He does though, in ugly, harsh sobs.

He doesn’t want to lose Alex.  
Sure, they can try to be friends but he doesn’t want that. He loves Alex, with his whole heart, devotes it to him, needs Alex like a flower needs water, like the earth needs the rain to prosper.  
He realized he was in love with him months ago, and his feelings have only gotten stronger over time, with Alex’s badly timed confession, and the many times they’ve said the words since then. They haven’t lost meaning, like some dumb sites on the internet say they do, but gained more of it, really.

It’s not only a declaration of feelings anymore, it’s words that make him feel safe, and at home, and sure of what he wants and who he is, and words that soothe him. Alex has gotten to be a massively important part of his life in such a short amount of time, and Willie can’t bear the thought of losing him.  
Of losing the lazy kisses when they’re cuddled on the couch or in bed, of losing the conversations with absolutely no content they have a three am, of losing the look in Alex’s eyes when he gets passionate about something, losing the way Alex loses himself in his drumming, and singing, and the way Alex talks, and loves and breathes.  
He can’t bear the thought of losing Alex, but he will, because they are not the same and Willie cannot give him everything he wants, even if he desperately wants to do so.

Willie is 18 years old, and alone in a house that has started to really feel like home, finally, whenever Alex comes over, and he cries, for what he thinks he’s lost already.

Even looking on, after what will inevitably happen with Alex, it all terrifies him.  
Because he doesn’t want anyone but Alex, but will eventually have to look at other people again, because Alex won’t want him anymore.  
But what then? He knows there are people out there, who exclude asexual people, who exclude _him_ from the community.  
Who think his sexuality isn’t a valid thing, who think he’s a fraud, or just frigid, who hate him for something he can’t change. He’s terrified of facing those people without Alex by his side.

And dating? Finding love again?  
How’s he supposed to do that when there are few people like him, or who will be okay with not having sex?  
Does he have to disclose his asexuality before even getting to know someone so they know what he’s about?  
Will that immediately lead to people losing interest in him?  
Or does he tell people later, and risk getting his heart broken again?  
Will he ever be able to find love, actually, again, even though he doesn’t want to have to do that in the first place because he doesn’t think anybody will ever compare to Alex?

And maybe he’s being dramatic with that, because they’re young, they’re really young, still.  
The enormity of his feelings for Alex is overwhelming, scary, and feels bigger than what he’s always been led to believe a first love feels like.  
It doesn’t feel as though it might ever go away.  
It feels as though him and Alex are destined for each other.

They fit, like pieces in a puzzle, a key in a lock.  
It’s not as if he was missing something before Alex, not like he has always been missing a piece of himself, but rather as if Alex has added something to him, that he never knew would fit so well. Something new, something that makes him more himself and that will tear him to shreds if it were to leave.  
And it will, very probably, very soon, because Willie needs to be honest, because Alex deserves a relationship that fulfills him completely, and Willie isn’t that.

He knows it, but still feels the pain, and anxiety digging icecold pits in his stomach, and like his breath gets knocked out of him.  
He tries to pull himself together.

Alex is sleeping over at Julie’s tonight, so he has, at least, one more day.  
Willie tries to go about things a normal way. He takes a shower, after he calms down enough to think about other things.  
Does his homework with music blaring throughout the whole house. Actually cleans his room for once.  
He does a workout, pushing himself almost to his limits, showers again. Listens to that podcast Carrie has been recommending for weeks. Eats something, and tries to text like he usually does when he gets messages from his friends, from Alex.

He goes to bed early, and manages to fall asleep, hours later deep into a Sims 4 Building rabbithole on YouTube.  
He’s fidgety the next morning, fumbling around, trying to come up with a plan to tell Alex, but coming up empty.

Alex comes back sometime around midday, because his parents have invited his uncle over and he doesn’t want to be home for that.  
Willie greets him at the gate, and takes his hand as usual, kisses him hello. Tries to pretend things are okay, because how do you tell your partner something that will probably end your relationship?

They hang out a bit, the weather allows them to spend a few hours outside, and Willie watches as Alex sits on the edge of the pool, legs dangling in the water. The sun shines down on them, the ripples of the water reflecting in bright lines over Alex’s face, making his eyes shine like crystals.  
His hair is golden, and soft, and Alex, although looking tired, is relaxed.  
Willie tries to indulge in this, to ignore the gnawing fear in his stomach. Tries to relax and soak in the last hours he has with his boyfriend, but he can’t get rid of the tension that doesn’t leave his body.

“Are you okay?” Alex asks at one point. Willie nods, but knows Alex isn’t convinced.

Later, when the sun is setting, they nestle together in Willie’s bed to watch a movie. Willie is propped up against the headboard, a bit more relaxed now, and has Alex’s head in his lap, his left hand is gently playing with the golden strands of hair, his right intertwined with Alex’s fingers.  
He’s not paying attention to whatever they’re watching, he’s looking at Alex.  
He’s going to miss this, so much.  
He has to say something, he _has_ to, but how in the world is he going to do that?

He tenses up again, and Alex notices. Of course he does. He turns his head to look up at Willie, who realizes it too late to plaster on a smile.

“What’s wrong?” Alex asks, voice soft and slightly raspy, proving that he’s sleepy.

“I-,” Willie starts, stops. He doesn’t know where to begin.

“You know you can talk to me, right? Always and about anything,” Alex says, suddenly sounding more awake.

“Yeah, it’s just… It’s hard,” Willie says. He’s avoiding Alex’s eyes now.

“Take your time,” Alex says, giving him an encouraging smile.

Willie nods, gears twisting and turning in his head to figure out a way to actually start this conversation. Alex sits up, suddenly and pauses the movie, takes Willie’s left hand and gives it an encouraging squeeze. But he looks anxious.

Willie looks at him, closes his eyes and takes a deep breath “Do you ever miss anything in this relationship?”

“What?” Alex’s voice shoots up, and Willie dares to glance at him, seeing actual fear on his face.

And immediately realizes that he should have started this talk differently because now Alex thinks he’s going to break up with him, which isn’t actually that wrong, but it’s not like Willie wants to.

“It’s nothing to do with you, I promise! Shit, I really should have said something else,” Willie says. Alex doesn’t look any less nervous.  
“Alex,” Willie begins, unsure where to go from here. “You mean a lot to me. A real fucking lot. I love you, and I’d do anything for you, you know that. But, and please listen to me before you panic too much, I don’t think-” he breaks off again.

Looks away from Alex, closes his eyes that he can already feel burning, takes a deep, shuddering breath.  
“I don’t think I can actually do everything for you,” he says.

Silence hangs between them for a moment. His hand is still in Alex’s, his heart racing, his chest feels tight.

“What do you mean?” Alex asks, slowly.

Willie doesn’t look at him.  
“I-” he starts. Stops. Has to take another deep breath that doesn’t feel like it’s enough.

“Do you ever think about going further? Doing more than just kissing, like, having sex?” it’s hard to say it. He has to force the words out between his teeth.

“Why? I mean, yeah… I’ve thought about it at times, can you please just tell me what’s wrong?” Alex says, and he sounds so worried and his voice is so soft.

Willie takes a third deep breath, and decides to rip off the bandaid.

“I can’t give you that. I’m asexual, I think. Or I’m sure. Pretty sure, yeah,” he says, too fast. His voice cracks. The breath rushes out of him, fear clamping down on his throat. Tears try to force their way out under his still shut eyes.

“You’re asexual?” Alex asks.

Willie can’t really tell what his tone means, even though he usually can. It’s curious, he thinks, but there’s something more to it. This is the point where Alex breaks up with him.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure,” Willie says and he hears how small and scared his voice sounds.

“Why didn’t you tell me before?”

“I didn’t really realize until like, yesterday,” Willie says.

Don’t look at Alex, he keeps reminding himself. Don’t look at him, it’ll make things so much harder.

“Oh,” Alex mumbles. Willie braces himself for what must come next. “Okay. Thank you for telling me, I hope I didn’t pressure you into coming out so soon after you realized,” Alex says.

“I- no, you didn’t,” Willie says, a bit bewildered.  
He wonders when Alex will actually realize what this means, and decide that he wants more in his life.

“Okay, that’s good. Thank you for telling me,” Alex repeats himself, sounding uncertain.

Willie doesn’t have to look at him to know that his boyfriend, or, well, soon to be ex-boyfriend, probably, doesn’t know what to say now. The tears start rolling now, slowly but surely making their way down his cheek.  
He still doesn’t look at Alex.

“Willie?” Alex says, sounding worried again.

“Hey, Willie, can you look at me? Please?”

A feather light touch grazes his chin, and jaw, and Alex turns Willie’s face to him, using just enough force to move him, but still light enough to let Willie turn away if he wants to.  
Willie doesn’t.  
He opens his eyes, sees Alex staring at him, and there’s nothing but open worry on his face, as far as Willie can tell, because Alex is pretty blurry behind the water in his eyes.

“Why are you crying, what’s wrong?” Alex asks, voice soft.

This doesn’t make sense.

“Why haven’t you broken up with me yet?”

Alex’s mouth falls open.

“Why the fuck would I break up with you?” His voice is louder than expected, more forceful than Willie has heard in a while, although not aggressive.

Willie can’t help the sob that escapes him. “Because I’m asexual and you aren’t,” he manages.

“ _Oh_ ,” Alex says. He’s gotten it now. He’ll break up with Willie any second now and he can’t look him in the eyes for that and-

“Oh, _Willie_. Sweetheart, look at me, please?” Alex’ voice is so, so soft, and he takes his hand out of Willie’s own, brings it up to Willie’s face. He places his hands on either side of Willie’s face, leaving him with no choice but to look at Alex.

“I love you, okay? And nothing is going to change that, if I have any say in it,” Alex whispers, a tiny smile on his lips, and his eyes glistening now, too.

“But.. I won’t- I can’t have sex with you, probably ever!” Willie says, too loud and too desperate, but his fear of losing Alex is still digging deep into his chest, gripping his heart, stopping his lungs from breathing enough.

“That’s okay. We don’t need to. I don’t need to have sex with you to love you, or be happy in this relationship. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel that way,” Alex says, and his voice is warm, and soft and Willie breaks, really breaks.

He starts sobbing, and Alex moves forward, pulls him into a hug, wrapping his arms around Willie and holding him tight.

“You haven’t- you haven’t made me feel that, but everything and everyone is always all about sex and how you have to have sex to be happy in a relationship. I’m sorry for not telling you sooner and-” he rushes it out, into Alex’s sweater, gripping at it way too tight, before Alex interrupts him.

“Shh, it’s okay. Don’t worry about any of that, okay? We’re not like everyone and I’m perfectly fine with never having sex if it means I get to be with you, you hear me? I love you,” Alex says and presses a kiss to the top of Willie’s head.

Willie continues to cry.  
Relief comes rushing in like the tide, fast and forceful. Alex continues to hold him, and pressing kisses to his head, and rubbing his back, whispering reassurances until Willie pulls back a bit.  
Alex has tears running down his cheeks as well, eyes red and puffy.

“Don’t cry!” Willie says, voice cracking and thick with tears. He brings his own hands up to Alex’s face, brushing the tears away gently.

“Stop crying, then, it’s making me cry!” Alex says, laughing wetly.

“I’m sorry,” Willie says, and Alex immediately rushes to reassure him.

“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for, sweetheart. I’m glad you told me, instead of carrying that around with you for any longer,”

“I was so afraid you’d not want a relationship in which I couldn’t give you everything-”

“Stop right there, you’re giving me everything I need, Willie. I promise. I’m not missing anything,” Alex says. His hands have come up to cup Willie’s face again, and he presses his lips to Willie’s right temple, before leaning their foreheads together.

“You might, at some point,”

“Stop, I’m the pessimistic anxious one in this relationship,” Willie lets out a wet laugh.

“I love you,” he says.

“I love you too,” Alex says.

Both of them are still crying a bit, and Willie’s nose is snotty.

“Is kissing still okay?” Alex asks after a short moment, in which they just stare into each other’s eyes, holding onto each other. Clutching, in Willie's case because he still hasn’t lost Alex, and he’s not going to let go now.

“Yeah, just the actual sexual stuff isn’t for me, as far as I know, but I haven’t really figured things out yet” Willie says.

Alex kisses him immediately, softly.  
It’s not a great kiss, as far as they go. They’re both crying so it’s salty and wet, but there is so much emotion behind their soft movements against each other’s lips, that Willie doesn’t mind.

“That’s why you’ve been tensing up lately, isn’t it? And why you flinched away two days ago?” Alex asks, softly, after pulling back.

“Yeah,” Willie says.

“I’m sorry, I should have asked about boundaries,” Alex says, voice still soft but laced with what sounds like guilt.

“It’s okay. You didn’t know. Hell, I didn’t either, but that made me actually think about this whole thing. Sex is- I don’t know. It makes me really uncomfortable,” Willie tries to explain. But it’s hard, because he doesn’t actually know what exactly it is, that makes him uncomfortable, what he can and can’t do.

“Then we don’t have to talk about it. We can figure things out, together, what you want to do, and what you don't, okay?”

“Okay,” Willie says.

“I thought you were going to break up with me,” Alex confesses quietly.

“Come again?” Willie asks, shellshocked.

“You’ve been pulling back a bit in the last few weeks, and I thought maybe you didn’t like me anymore, but I get that it’s different, now,” Alex explains.

“I would never. I was convinced you’d break up with me, now,” Willie says, and they both stare at each other and Willie can’t help the giggle.

“Look at us, being dumb,” he says.

Alex snorts.  
Willie knows that his love for the other boy has reached a whole other, unimaginable level today. Doesn’t want to look too deeply into that, because the enormity of his feelings still scares him.  
He just wants to kiss his gorgeous, amazing, understanding stillhisboyfriend-boyfriend and cuddle with him, and float on the cloud of relief that envelops him. Alex seems to have the same thought, closing the tiny gap between them again.  
He takes the lead, still letting the kiss be soft and comforting, but sliding his hands into Willie’s hair, and pushing him back down onto the bed, untangling his hands and using them to prop himself up while Willie keeps his ones tight on Alex’s jaw, like they’ve done so often before.

Then Alex stops.

“Wait, is this okay?” he asks quickly.

Willie laughs, but his eyes well up again. “Absolutely,” he says.

He can’t wrap his head around how he managed to get this amazing boy to fall in love with him. To be loved this much, that Alex immediately takes his feelings into consideration like this.

“Please stop crying, I can’t not cry when you are,” Alex whispers. He’s leaning over Willie, eyes still puffy and cheeks still splotchy.

“I’m just thinking about how amazing you are and how lucky I am to have you,” Willie says, and his voice cracks again when he does. It'

s doing that a lot today.

“I could say the same about you, sunshine,” Alex says.

Willie’s heart swells so much he thinks it will burst out of his chest any second. The softness in his boyfriend’s voice, the love in his eyes is disarming.  
He leans up to kiss him, and Alex reciprocates immediately.  
They part sooner than Willie wants, because his nose is way too runny to ignore now, and he needs to blow it. He wriggles out of Alex’s grasp, leans over to the bedside table and gropes around for the tissues he knows he has somewhere.

“Hold on a second,” Alex says. He flops down next to Willie, fishing for his fanny pack that lays discarded next to the bed, and opens up one of the pockets, handing Willie some tissues.

“I love you, a lot, Hotdog,” Willie says, before blowing his nose.

Alex also wipes his, and his face, then manages a throw into the trashcan across the room.

“But, seriously,” Alex says after, turning to look at Willie, sounding serious all of a sudden. “It doesn’t matter to me, that you’re asexual. I want you to know that. I don’t care, I love you, and I can’t imagine a scenario in which I’d stop loving you,”

“What if I brought you somewhere where someone would claim your soul and if you didn’t do what they said you would die a painful death?”

“Exactly how realistic is that situation?”

Willie doesn’t answer, instead he just winks at Alex. He feels drained, but happy, and relaxed, more than he has in weeks, and he just wants to go back to how things were, to see Alex laugh again.

“Yeah, okay, that’s what I thought,” Alex says and leans back down to where Willie is now lying on his back, kisses him again. “Honestly, I’d probably still follow you. I’d follow you everywhere,” Alex admits.

"Aww," Willie says, for a lack of better words because the confession admonishes him.

“Also, if anyone ever says anything acephobic to you I will beat them up,” Alex adds, voice turns serious once more.

“No offense, Hotdog, but I’d rather ask Luke for that. He’s got them muscular arms,” Willie says, teasing and trying to hide his grin.

“Betrayed by my own boyfriend! Only because that bastard can’t keep a fucking sleeve on!” Alex gasps, leaning away from Willie, pretending to be wounded, clutching a hand to his chest.

“We can cheer him on from the sidelines. All they’ll see is Luke’s arms and me and my amazing boyfriend cheering him on,” Willie says.

Alex, who’s made a show of dramatically falling onto his back, away from Willie,snorts at the thought. Willie crawls over to him.

“For real though. I can’t really say how amazing you are and how fucking glad I am to have you, Alex. I adore you, and I’m sorry I got snot on your sweater,” he says, leaning over Alex.

His hair is splayed out as much as it can be on the sheets, looking like a halo. Alex looks like an angel, in this moment, and Willie thinks that fewer things have been as accurate as that when it comes to describing Alex.  
The other boy smiles up at him.

“I can only give that back. And don’t worry about my sweater. We have more important things to take care of,”

“Like what?”

“Well, I have to give you a few hundred kisses because I love you and I’m very proud of you for coming out to me,” Alex says, grinning.

He takes Willie’s hands in his, squeezes them, then presses kisses to every knuckle. Looks up at Willie again.

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re very beautiful?”

“Only you, Hotdog, only you,” Willie mumbles. It’s fascinating how fast Alex can still get him to blush.

“A crime against humanity, that is. Apparently I also have to kiss you to make up for all the idiots who are wrong in not telling you,”

“You’re so cheesy,”

“Yeah, but you’re not complaining, so, shut up,” Alex says, sits up, gets into Willie’s face, so close that their noses touch.

“Make me,” Willie challenges. Alex doesn’t hesitate.

Later, when they’ve come down from that absolute whirlwind of emotions, they’re curled up against each other again.  
It’s gotten dark out, the only light in the room comes from the TV-screen, still glowing with the stopped image of the movie, and, of course, Willie’s nightlight. They’re curled up under the covers, foreheads touching.  
Willie’s drowsy, feeling the exhaustion that comes from crying creep in. Alex is singing to him, so softly and quietly that he doesn’t really understand the words, but his boyfriend’s voice is lovely anyway and it’s melodic murmur is incredibly soothing to him.

“Alex?” he mumbles.

“Hm?”

“I know I’ve said it a lot today, but I love you. A lot. So much that it scares me sometimes because we’re still so young, but I can’t stop myself from feeling that. And I was absolutely terrified you wouldn’t want me anymore,” he breaks off, doesn’t want to go too deep into that, doesn’t want to cry again.

“And I hope that you know, that I know, that you love me, and don’t feel hurt by my assumption that you’d break up with me because of my asexuality, I just think that the way sex is hailed by society as this super important thing made me scared and-” he adds, rambling.

Alex interrupts him.

“Don’t worry, love, I didn’t think that was the case. I totally get what you mean though, and it sucks that you had to feel that way, but I love you a whole lot, too. Also I say we fuck society’s standards,”

“By not fucking?”

Alex snorts, pulls Willie impossibly closer, presses a quick kiss to his lips. One of his own hands is tangled in the blond strands of Alex’s hair, and he’s playing with it lazily.

“Yeah. And if anyone criticizes us for that we’ll let Luke loose on them. Or maybe Flynn,”

“Not Flynn, we don’t want to kill them,” Willie mumbles.

“We’ll see about that,”

“Okay,” Willie says. He’s on the edge of falling asleep, barely keeping his eyes open enough to look at Alex. “Can you sing for me again?”

“Anything for my gorgeous, brave, sleepy, amazing, asexual boyfriend,” Alex says.

“Stop it, that's disgusting and you’re making me blush,”

“Go to sleep,”

“Don’t tell me what to do,”

But Willie does, in fact fall asleep basically as soon as Alex starts singing again.  
It’s something Willie doesn’t recognize, but something that sounds beautiful nonetheless before he drifts off.

A week later Alex comes home to him after another full-day band rehearsal, where Willie couldn’t participate because his dad was in town for the day, for a show. Willie came out to his dad, who was totally supportive, and over the past week he’s told his and Alex’s friend about his newly discovered sexuality.  
Not surprisingly they were all supportive as hell.  
Reggie had promised to fight everyone for him, if they ever said anything bad. Willie maybe teared up a bit.

It’s Sunday again, and his dad has left, but Willie doesn’t mind, because, well. Alex.

“I’ve got something for you,” the boy tells Willie and pulls a crinkled little bag of paper out of his fanny pack.

“What is it?” Willie asks, taking the bag but still looking at Alex who doesn’t seem to be able to stand still. Fidgeting, and obviously a bit nervous.

“Open it,” he says, gesturing at Willie.

The paper crinkles as Willie carefully pulls the bag open, and finds a knotted black and grey and white and purple bracelet inside, while Alex keeps talking

“I know it’s not perfect, I asked Julie to teach me how to knot bracelets so I could make it, and it’s a bit crooked and she can totally make you a good one, but I thought it would be cute, because I have a rainbow bracelet, and those are the colours for the ace flag and-” he actually stops himself from rambling, because Willie doesn’t react, he just keeps staring at the bracelet in his hands.

“Did I- did I do something wrong?” Alex asks, looking even more nervous.

Willie’s eyes are burning again, and he closes his hand around the bracelet.

“No, I just- I love it, thank you,” he says, and ffels himself tear up again.

Willie wonders what he did to deserve a boyfriend like Alex, because here he is, making an effort to make him something to show his support, and for Willie to show his pride, something made with love.

“Hey,” Alex says, softly, cupping Willie’s face and brushing the tears that are brimming in his eyes away. “I told you, I love you. I’d follow you anywhere, and your sexuality doesn’t change that, okay? Sex isn’t as important to me as you are, and I want you to remember this, wherever you are, even if I’m not there to say it,”

“I love you too,” Willie says, and closes the distance between them.

Alex pulls him closer and when Willie pulls back to take a deep breath and stop himself from tearing up again, Alex just hugs him.

“Can you put it on for me?” Willie asks after a moment holding out the bracelet to Alex who lights up.

“Sure,”

He watches, as Alex carefully ties the bracelet around his right wrist, and feels his face heat up when Alex places a kiss on Willie’s knuckles before letting go.

“Now we match, kinda,” he says, smiling, completely unaware of how his softness makes Willie’s heart jump out of his chest.

“I love it,” Willie says, hugging Alex again. “I love you,” he adds, into Alex’s shoulder.

His boyfriend’s response is a kiss to Willie’s temple.

When Willie walks into school the next morning, and sits down next to Carrie she sees the bracelet and takes his hand, gives it a squeeze and smiles. Kayla grins, and throws an arm around him, Nick gives him a thumbs up.  
At lunch, with all of them piled around a table, he catches Julie and Flynn smiling proudly, and Reggie compliments it, and Luke makes fun of Alex for taking up an entire afternoon of Julie’s time until he got the hang of making bracelets. And Alex fends it off, face reddening, but he still keeps a tight hold of Willie’s hand on the table and keeps running his finger over his handiwork.

Willie is 18 when he realizes he’s asexual, and that’s okay, and when his boyfriend stays with him and holds his hand, and their wrists each are adorned with bracelets that tell the seeing world who they are, he starts feeling pride for it, as well.

**Author's Note:**

> protip: if you cry while writing because you're hardcore projecting maybe don't get tipsy to edit the damn thing because you will cry again (the even just described is definitely not based on a real person, oh no, that's not me)  
> anyhow, i really hope you liked it, because it really is the one fic that took me some time to write and that's like, actually proper personal and important to me. also, again, willie's sex-repulsed asexuality is very specific to me because that's the only reference i have so i hope it was okay to read?  
> also, if you want to talk about jatp, or anything else, really, you can find me on tumblr at [on-irratia](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/on-irratia)  
> and as always: i'm not a native english speaker, so i'm really sorry for any mistakes that may have occured  
> happy holidays to those who celebrate, and a nice day to all who don't!! :D


End file.
